Zak-
-This profile has tons of great quotes and you do a good job of letting them tell the story. It really feels like Mike Lichten is telling me the story. I like your paragraph sizes and organization on the first page as well. It is easy to read and the story is smooth and digestible. It allows you to get a great sense of who Lichten is, meaning you do a great job capturing his character. I like the line in the last paragraph “wins and losses matter but the foundation of the program…” It was very impactful and capped off this piece on Lichten perfectly. A well-organized and enjoyable profile.
-I believe there are a few instances where you can separate background information with quotes or not have context around the quote in the same line, either before or after the quote. The “I” voice is mostly absent, but when the quotes have a little too much context after them is the only time I feel like there could be an “I” voice. In paragraph 2 on the second page, you refer to Coach Mac as one of his mentors. I think you should type his full name and also have a paragraph about some background information on Coach Mac. There is also an “and” typo at the end of that paragraph. A quote from an outside source can make this profile even better. To conclude I think if you could get one more impactful quote at the end and chop off some of that last paragraph or split it up.
Greta-
-I really like the lead, it is well written and captures what kind of story we might expect to hear. You follow it up with great background information in paragraph two then we hear from the subject, which is great organization in my opinion. I like the style you chose to show her quotes. Its lets Dawn speak a lot which really makes the “I” voice absent in this profile which is good. The Profile has a sort of underdog angle to it which I really like and there are also some emotional parts as well when she talks about her mom. Very strong ending with the quote from another source, then her quote.
– I think the first few paragraphs before the transition are really good but I also think you could potentially add one or two more paragraphs to that to wrap it up before the transition and introduce her a little bit more. Your first paragraph after you start the last section could be broken up into 2 separate ones after you talk about her GPA. Talking about her personal resiliance probably deserves its own line because it’s a powerful statement. I think adding one more quote from an outside source to the beginning section could help introduce her before you go into the interview questions.
Jimmy- To start off I would fix some of the grammar in the first paragraph and break up the long sentence a bit as that will lose the attention of readers. In the second paragraph make sure to have it say “Sports” instead of Sport. I think this is working very well so far. There are a few grammar errors to fix but I think this is a great start. You pulled great quotes to showcase her very well. I enjoy the way you ended it with using she hopes. One thing I would fix up a bit would be taking her name out of the headline. I think the headline works well for this profile. I think the outline you have works very well. I think you have it done perfectly.
What’s working: I really like your first paragraph. I think it’s a great way to hook someone into the story as well as the headline—I like how your headline is short but attention grabbing. All of your paragraphs are very digestible, great length, I would not suggest changing them. The story itself I think flows very smoothly. You did a good job at making a sequenced story. Another thing that was great to add to your story was getting a quote in the orbit of your subject, that makes it stronger by getting someone else’s perspective on your subject. I appreciate the fourth paragraph, specifically when you tell readers he is a senior at UNE but only a sophomore on the field then go into explaining his past injuries and how he has since worked to get better.
Suggestions: The first thing I’d like to point out is that even though you state your Mike’s full name in the headline, I think you should use it once more before switching into using only his last. Especially because the headline uses his full, in the second paragraph you use his last, then a couple paragraphs later you use his full again. I just think it makes more sense that way. Another suggestion I have is to give George Villis a bit more of an introduction before going into his quote. This is just how I feel as the reader but I’d love to hear from the coach to get an idea of his perspective when Mike was going through a rough time with his injuries and the way he recovered from them.
Jimmy:
What’s working: You have very strong quotes that draw the reader into the story. I think you also do good at telling her story before and after the quotes. By this I mean the way you write leading up to the quotes and what you say after them. You have an incredibly strong ending that wraps up the story nicely, leaving readers with an amazing impression of who this person is. You also seem to meet the requirements of the sequence of the story itself too which is good.
Suggestions: Starting off, get rid of the “profile on” part in your headline, that isn’t really necessary to add, your readers will come to understand it is a profile based off the story. The very first sentence of the introduction is a bit wordy, it feels kind of like a run-on sentence—you can definitely sand that down. Very minor but in the first quote I think you meant to say “sports” not “sport”. The flow of the story is a little wonky—it jumps from a decent sized paragraph to a one sentence paragraph throughout the whole thing.
Casey: This profile does an excellent job capturing Trevor Therrien’s deep connection to the UNE football program and his evolution from player to coach. One of its strongest elements is the clear chronological structure, which helps readers follow Therrien’s journey from the program’s early days through the present. The narrative also includes vivid details — such as the last-second win over Curry College and the celebration in the locker room — that bring emotional weight and energy to the story. These moments help humanize Therrien and show not just what happened, but what it felt like to be part of a developing football program.
The quotes are another strength. They feel authentic and give readers insight into Therrien’s mentality, work ethic, and passion for football. The piece highlights core themes like perseverance, mentorship, and community, all of which contribute to a compelling story of someone who stayed committed to a team even when his own playing career was cut short.
While the profile is strong, tightening and refining a few areas would help elevate it. The opening paragraph provides good context, but it could be more concise to grab the reader quicker. Rather than emphasizing the program’s history first, consider foregrounding Therrien immediately to anchor the story more firmly around your subject.
Some sections could benefit from smoother transitions. For example, the shift from the Curry win to his back injury is abrupt; adding one to two sentences that bridge the emotional high to the personal setback would improve flow. Similarly, the transition from his injury to his coaching involvement can be strengthened by clarifying how his mindset shifted during that period.
A few quotes are long and could be trimmed or broken into smaller pieces to maintain pacing and readability. You may also want to vary sentence structure in sections with multiple short sentences to improve rhythm.
Greta: This profile does a great job capturing who Dawn is beyond just her role as a goalie. One of the strongest parts is how clearly the story walks us through her journey: starting field hockey almost by accident, becoming a standout player, and eventually returning as a coach. It feels personal and grounded, not just a list of accomplishments.
The quotes are used really well, too. Dawn’s personality comes through—her humor about trying goalkeeping, her honesty about the challenges of being the only freshman goalie, and her reflections on leadership. These moments help readers understand her not just as an athlete, but as a person.
The emotional sections are also handled with care. Talking about her mom’s passing adds depth without feeling overly dramatic; it shows her strength and how she channeled something incredibly painful into motivation. Including the teammate quote at the end was a great touch, because it reinforces Dawn’s impact on the people around her.
The profile is strong, but there are a few ways to make it flow even better. The opening is good, but you could sharpen it by focusing more quickly on Dawn herself rather than the broad summary of her accomplishments. Starting with a moment—a memory, a quote, or her joking about trying goalie—might pull readers in more immediately.
The interview section is informative, but it reads a little differently from the rest of the story. You might try blending some of Dawn’s responses into the narrative instead of keeping them in strict Q&A format. This would help the piece feel more unified.
Some transitions could be smoother, especially when moving from her recruitment to her first season. Adding a line or two connecting the emotional pieces would help the story feel more cohesive.
Also, consider expanding just slightly on her decision to coach. What moment made her realize she wanted to stay involved? Has she had a coaching moment that stood out to her? A bit more detail there would round out the ending.
This profile has a really smooth flow and feels super readable from start to finish. You do a great job showing who Aidan is, not just what he’s done. The energy of the opening, the duck quacking, and the water spraying immediately gives the profile personality and makes him feel like an actual character instead of just another coach. The timeline of his career is also super clear, and the stats you include feel meaningful rather than overwhelming. What else works is how you tie his playing experience to his coaching philosophy. The quote about not wanting players to feel isolated after a bad rep is strong and adds real emotion. You clearly set the tone right of a sports profile, and you highlight both his accomplishments and his impact at UNE without overhyping anything.
One small area i would look at is adding just a little more description around Aidan’s personality beyond the fun intro. Maybe one or two lines about how players react to him, or how his style stands out among other coaches. Another thing you could consider is adding a bit more about his transition into coaching specifically at UNE. Right now, the shift into his coaching life is good, but giving a little more detail about what made him want to coach at UNE or how he got connected here could round out the profile. You could also sprinkle in one more anecdote or moment from practice to make it feel even more lived-in. Overall though, nothing major — a little more depth in a couple spots would level it up even more.
Max knight (jayden)
Your profile on Max is super personal and does a great job showing the human side of an athlete stepping away from the game. What really stands out is how well you connect his childhood struggles to the emotional role sports ended up playing for him. It feels honest and gives the reader a sense of how basketball fit into his life beyond just being a sport. His voice in the interview answers is also powerful, it feels like he’s talking to you, not being over-edited, which is refreshing. The structure is easy to follow, and the transitions from childhood,high school, college, decision to walk away feel natural. You also did good highlighting how his identity shifted through each phase.
The biggest thing you could improve is balancing the narrative voice with the Q&A sections. The interview answers are really solid, but the shift into Q&A format is a little abrupt. You could smooth the transition by adding a short line introducing why you moved into questions or what the conversation setting was like. Also, the early part of the story is strong, but you might add one or two more specific moments from his college experience, a practice, a game, or a moment when he realized he was burning out. Another small thing you could look at is tightening a couple sentences so they aren’t too long or repetitive. Nothing major though, the emotional clarity of the piece is already great, and with just a little more narrative detail, it’ll feel even stronger.
Emma Burke (cally)
This draft is super polished and honestly reads like a published magazine feature. You do an awesome job building a full picture of Emma with her background, her injuries, her mental health journey, and how all of that shaped her career path. The writing is smooth and descriptive without being over the top, and the opening scene in her office is a great hook. It immediately sets the tone and shows what makes her role important. The structure also works really well: the early life section blends naturally into her gymnastics career, and the transition into mental health and coaching feels super earned. You bring out her personality clearly, especially her calm, steady presence and her understanding of athletes’ emotional needs. The quotes add authenticity and make her feel well-rounded.
One suggestion is to trim or tighten a few sections that repeat similar ideas, for example, the theme of resilience and mental toughness comes up a few times, so you could condense a little there to keep the flow better. You might also want to add one more concrete example of a moment she helped an athlete, just to give readers a more vivid sense of her day-to-day impact. Another small thing is maybe shortening a couple of the longer paragraphs so the pacing feels lighter. Right now, some sections are pretty dense. But overall the voice, tone, and narrative direction are all super strong. These are really just polish-level tweaks, not major changes.
Evan – Peer Review
This profile of Mike Perez does several things well, putting together a cool and interesting story of a student-athlete overcoming adversity. First, the opening scene in the athletic training room immediately immerses the reader with sensory detail, setting the tone for a story anchored to resilience and preparation. The narrative structure is very effective, too, in clearly taking the reader through Perez’s series of injuries and the emotional and physical challenges that accompanied them. By framing his torn ACL and broken ulna as significant turning points, the profile creates natural tension and momentum to keep the reader invested.
Another strength is the strong use of quotes. Perez’s own words add credibility and allow his personality and mindset to come through, especially when talking about motivation, setbacks, and future goals. The quote from teammate George Villis provides a different perspective that reinforces Perez’s leadership and character. Additionally, the profile balances his athletic journey with his academic achievements, painting him as more than just a football player and adding depth to the story.
Finally, the conclusion wraps the story together in a nicely, as it shows where Perez stands today his consistency, leadership, and aspiration and it gives a complete forward-looking profile.
Oscar: This profile of veteran football coach Jerry Azzinaro is well-structured and demonstrates a strong understanding of feature storytelling. The story opens with a delayed lead that immediately situates Azzinaro at the height of his career through decades of coaching experience across New England, major NCAA programs, and the NFL, before circling back to his beginnings as an undersized linebacker driven by toughness and work ethic. The nut graph appears early and clearly defines the angle: this is a homecoming story about a coach whose philosophy and success are rooted in values of resilience and growth. The narrative builds Azzinaro’s character through background and context, and the inclusion of a quote from former Oregon star De’Anthony Thomas significantly strengthens the piece. Thomas’s reflections reinforce Azzinaro’s long-term impact and provide insight from someone directly shaped by his coaching. However, while this outside perspective is valuable, the story would benefit from hearing more directly from Azzinaro himself. Quotes from the subject could bring the reader closer to his personal voice, coaching philosophy, or reflections on returning to New England, making the piece feel more intimate and rounded. Structurally, the story is digestible, well-paragraphed, and maintains a consistent third-person journalistic voice without inserting the writer’s “I”, but paragraphs could be split to be more digestible. The theme is clear: a seasoned coach returning to where his football identity was formed. And the narrative supports that from start to finish. While the story successfully presents Azzinaro’s career and legacy, adding more direct quotes from the coach would give readers a stronger emotional connection and a fuller sense of who he is today.
Anthony: This feature on Aidan Cadogan is an engaging “new chapter” narrative that effectively traces the transition from standout college punter to specialist coach at UNE. The story hooks readers with an energetic delayed lead, opening not with stats or background but with Cadogan’s unconventional sideline coaching antics: quacking like a duck and spraying players with water. This creative introduction draws the reader in before the nut graph, which clarifies that Cadogan is now guiding young specialists using the lessons he wished he had earlier in his playing career. The story uses strong sourcing, bringing in Cadogan’s voice early and often. He speaks in detail about his coaching philosophy, the importance of supporting players after both good and bad kicks, and the mental demands of the position. Hearing from freshman kicker Massimo Puddu adds another perspective and reinforces the tangible impact Cadogan is having in his first season coaching. One aspect that the story touches on but could explore more deeply is Cadogan’s academic background. The piece briefly mentions that he pursued a master’s degree in civil engineering, a demanding and technical field, but does not connect how such a major led him to coaching. This gap left me curious: Why coaching? How do these two seemingly different paths fit together? Exploring this could add depth to Cadogan’s identity and decision-making. Structurally, the paragraphs are well separated, the narrative maintains a clean journalistic voice, and Cadogan gets some of the last meaningful reflections, grounding the story in his personal motivations. Overall, it is a strong and compelling profile with room for a deeper look at how coaching fits into Cadogan’s academic and professional trajectory.
Jayden: This profile of former college basketball player Max Knight is a compelling departure narrative that explores identity, burnout, and personal growth. The piece immediately situates the reader in the turning point of Knight’s journey: his decision to step away after a difficult freshman season. However, the opening sections present large blocks of text that could benefit from paragraph breaks earlier on. Separating the material into smaller sections would improve readability and make the emotional beats of Knight’s story more digestible from the start. Once the piece transitions into the Q&A format, the narrative becomes even more effective. The interview structure suits this story particularly well, allowing Knight to speak for himself at length about his childhood, struggles, emotional connection to basketball, and the eventual erosion of his passion. Thornton’s voice appears only briefly to note that the interview was “edited and condensed,” which is appropriate and expected in this style of reporting. That small editorial statement is necessary, transparent, and does not intrude on the subject’s voice. Knight’s quotes carry the story and give it emotional authenticity. He articulates how basketball once served as a coping mechanism for instability at home, and later became something he continued out of obligation rather than love. Because Thornton lets Knight narrate his own journey with minimal interruption, the reader gets a portrait that feels personal and honest. The subject has the final word, creating a natural and meaningful conclusion. Overall, the Q&A structure works well, and with minor formatting adjustments, the story would be even stronger.
The intro is easy to follow and provides a lot of good background information right off the bat. The placement of the first quote from the subject is great and allows the reader to hear from him pretty early on. After this first quote, there are a lot of hefty ones that follow later in the profile and allow his subject to be the one telling most of the story. All the descriptive sentences set the quotes up well without overdoing it and repeating information.
The flow is overall very smooth and each paragraph is digestible. The subject is well-described and there are minimal “brush strokes” that could be picked up on. As a reader, it feels like I really got to know this subject even though I didn’t know who he was before. It is especially interesting to see the connection the subject has with the Maine Mariners, and really builds the story that this team helped him get to where he is.
Suggestions
The use of the subject’s first name so frequently seems just a little bit too casual, I would suggest referring to him as his last name instead. The last paragraph of the profile could use less explanation for the quote that’s included. The non-quoted section almost seems to repeat what the subject said in a different way. Although I wouldn’t get rid of the entire explanation, it could be less choppy if the quote speaks for itself more. The rest of the quotes have less explanation which makes them a little easier to read. When there is mention of his interviews with some of the Big D1 athletes, it could be interesting to provide some names of the people he interviewed. This could demonstrate the importance of his job if there are any recognizable athletes. Besides this, there really aren’t many other issues that are clear at the moment, besides some grammatical errors or lack of punctuation.
Khalil:
What’s Working?
Immediately I’m hooked on this story. The intro is well-constructed and the word choices are entertaining. There is a quote very early on that really sets the tone and creates the story that is being told about this subject. It’s clear that this is a feel-good story of pushing the boundaries and never giving up, and including so much of the subject’s early life helps emphasize this theme. All the quotes that were included definitely proved this theme. The subject discusses a lot about how he got to where he is and the effort he put in to get there which fits what the description paragraphs are trying to convey.
Overall, I feel like I really got to know the subject and what has driven him throughout his life. The entire story flows really well and includes all the necessary details that makes it entertaining, especially the word choices used throughout.
Suggestions
All the quotes already in the profile are very strong and useful, but there definitely could be more of them. It seems like the subject isn’t really getting a chance to tell the story himself. Though the description paragraphs are well put together, there should probably be a little less of those and a couple more quotes can explain things on their own. Also referring to the subject as his first name so frequently could be portrayed as too casual, it may be better to say his last name instead. Obviously his first name can still be used, but maybe not as often.
For formatting purposes, I would suggest making the quotes their own paragraphs. This will allow them to stand out and catch the reader’s attention. It gives the subject’s voice a chance to shine a little more instead of hiding among other paragraphs. Otherwise, there is very little that needs to be fixed.
Campbell:
What’s Working?
There’s definitely a lot of good information here. The questions that were asked allows readers to see multiple different sides of the subject. Between her home life, future plans, and experiences at UNE, we will have the opportunity to really learn who this subject is. Including the questions that were asked is a great way to feel like we were a part of the conversation. Also being able to see exactly how the subject responded really humanizes her, and makes her more relatable from the reader’s perspective.
The intro is also pretty solid and easy to follow. Sharing some of her accomplishments and tendencies builds the story of this subject as an athlete and sets up how the rest of the profile will go. It’s interesting to see how the subject is transitioning from college athlete to a potential cop, and this adds to the theme of her life as said athlete.
Suggestions:
I would definitely cut out a lot of the filler sentences that the subject provides. Adding the quotes that make an impact on the story is great, but there are a lot of sentences that seem a little unnecessary to keep. Similarly, putting the entire question that was asked, including words such as “like”, may take away from some of the professionalism. Writing the general question would be better than writing exactly what was said in the interview. I would also emphasize where in the response the subject is talking and when she is being asked follow up questions. It’s hard to tell what she is saying specifically because everything in the response is the same font and size.
Though this profile is set up to demonstrate the whole interview, it could definitely be worth adding a little more storytelling. This would help the flow and make the information a lot easier to follow.
What’s working – Casey
I really like the first paragraph, it gives an interesting hook to make you want to read more. You also do a great job making sure the subject gets to speak early on (quote in third paragraph), and allow the subject to have the last word with a super powerful quote about watching players grow up. I also think the overall structure/layout is good (no indentation, not introducing quotes, not using the I voice). You do a great job capturing a story and making it more than just a sports profile- we get to learn the vulnerable side of your subject and that is what drives the story. Lastly, I like the way the story moves along and somewhat falls chronologically, it makes it easy to follow.
Suggestions – Casey
The suggestions I can think of are mostly minor. I think you might want to add a bit more meat to some of your paragraphs that are just one or two sentences (I assume you were going to since this is only a draft), but some are just a bit too short and could just use some more information. Additionally, I noticed a very minor spelling error inside a quote, you said “every wants to win” and I think you might have meant to say “everyone wants to win”, super minor but definitely makes a difference because the quote is super powerful. Lastly, although I love how much you let your subject speak and how many quotes you got, if it isn’t a question and response section I would avoid putting a quote after every paragraph if that makes sense.
What’s working – Zak
You do a really good job telling a story rather than just writing out an interview. I like how you made sure the subject got to speak very early on (third paragraph) and you include a good amount of quotes. I also like how the quotes are meaningful and have substance, it keeps the story interesting and really helps me get to know your subject. Additionally you do a good job keeping with reporting writing format (single spaces, no indentation, more). Lastly, I really enjoyed how conversational the writing is, it makes it feel like the reader is having the conversation.
Suggestions – Zak
I could only think of a couple minor suggestions: I think you do a really great job using the quotes you have included but several are embedded within paragraphs instead of standing alone– you might know more than me or this might be something to ask Jesse about, but I just wasn’t sure if it was structurally okay to embed quotes into paragraphs or if they absolutely have to be standing alone (im not sure!). Lastly, you might want to consider adding a quote or moving a quote to the end of your writing to let your subject have the last word.
10 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 11”
Zak-
-This profile has tons of great quotes and you do a good job of letting them tell the story. It really feels like Mike Lichten is telling me the story. I like your paragraph sizes and organization on the first page as well. It is easy to read and the story is smooth and digestible. It allows you to get a great sense of who Lichten is, meaning you do a great job capturing his character. I like the line in the last paragraph “wins and losses matter but the foundation of the program…” It was very impactful and capped off this piece on Lichten perfectly. A well-organized and enjoyable profile.
-I believe there are a few instances where you can separate background information with quotes or not have context around the quote in the same line, either before or after the quote. The “I” voice is mostly absent, but when the quotes have a little too much context after them is the only time I feel like there could be an “I” voice. In paragraph 2 on the second page, you refer to Coach Mac as one of his mentors. I think you should type his full name and also have a paragraph about some background information on Coach Mac. There is also an “and” typo at the end of that paragraph. A quote from an outside source can make this profile even better. To conclude I think if you could get one more impactful quote at the end and chop off some of that last paragraph or split it up.
Greta-
-I really like the lead, it is well written and captures what kind of story we might expect to hear. You follow it up with great background information in paragraph two then we hear from the subject, which is great organization in my opinion. I like the style you chose to show her quotes. Its lets Dawn speak a lot which really makes the “I” voice absent in this profile which is good. The Profile has a sort of underdog angle to it which I really like and there are also some emotional parts as well when she talks about her mom. Very strong ending with the quote from another source, then her quote.
– I think the first few paragraphs before the transition are really good but I also think you could potentially add one or two more paragraphs to that to wrap it up before the transition and introduce her a little bit more. Your first paragraph after you start the last section could be broken up into 2 separate ones after you talk about her GPA. Talking about her personal resiliance probably deserves its own line because it’s a powerful statement. I think adding one more quote from an outside source to the beginning section could help introduce her before you go into the interview questions.
Jimmy- To start off I would fix some of the grammar in the first paragraph and break up the long sentence a bit as that will lose the attention of readers. In the second paragraph make sure to have it say “Sports” instead of Sport. I think this is working very well so far. There are a few grammar errors to fix but I think this is a great start. You pulled great quotes to showcase her very well. I enjoy the way you ended it with using she hopes. One thing I would fix up a bit would be taking her name out of the headline. I think the headline works well for this profile. I think the outline you have works very well. I think you have it done perfectly.
Evan:
What’s working: I really like your first paragraph. I think it’s a great way to hook someone into the story as well as the headline—I like how your headline is short but attention grabbing. All of your paragraphs are very digestible, great length, I would not suggest changing them. The story itself I think flows very smoothly. You did a good job at making a sequenced story. Another thing that was great to add to your story was getting a quote in the orbit of your subject, that makes it stronger by getting someone else’s perspective on your subject. I appreciate the fourth paragraph, specifically when you tell readers he is a senior at UNE but only a sophomore on the field then go into explaining his past injuries and how he has since worked to get better.
Suggestions: The first thing I’d like to point out is that even though you state your Mike’s full name in the headline, I think you should use it once more before switching into using only his last. Especially because the headline uses his full, in the second paragraph you use his last, then a couple paragraphs later you use his full again. I just think it makes more sense that way. Another suggestion I have is to give George Villis a bit more of an introduction before going into his quote. This is just how I feel as the reader but I’d love to hear from the coach to get an idea of his perspective when Mike was going through a rough time with his injuries and the way he recovered from them.
Jimmy:
What’s working: You have very strong quotes that draw the reader into the story. I think you also do good at telling her story before and after the quotes. By this I mean the way you write leading up to the quotes and what you say after them. You have an incredibly strong ending that wraps up the story nicely, leaving readers with an amazing impression of who this person is. You also seem to meet the requirements of the sequence of the story itself too which is good.
Suggestions: Starting off, get rid of the “profile on” part in your headline, that isn’t really necessary to add, your readers will come to understand it is a profile based off the story. The very first sentence of the introduction is a bit wordy, it feels kind of like a run-on sentence—you can definitely sand that down. Very minor but in the first quote I think you meant to say “sports” not “sport”. The flow of the story is a little wonky—it jumps from a decent sized paragraph to a one sentence paragraph throughout the whole thing.
Casey: This profile does an excellent job capturing Trevor Therrien’s deep connection to the UNE football program and his evolution from player to coach. One of its strongest elements is the clear chronological structure, which helps readers follow Therrien’s journey from the program’s early days through the present. The narrative also includes vivid details — such as the last-second win over Curry College and the celebration in the locker room — that bring emotional weight and energy to the story. These moments help humanize Therrien and show not just what happened, but what it felt like to be part of a developing football program.
The quotes are another strength. They feel authentic and give readers insight into Therrien’s mentality, work ethic, and passion for football. The piece highlights core themes like perseverance, mentorship, and community, all of which contribute to a compelling story of someone who stayed committed to a team even when his own playing career was cut short.
While the profile is strong, tightening and refining a few areas would help elevate it. The opening paragraph provides good context, but it could be more concise to grab the reader quicker. Rather than emphasizing the program’s history first, consider foregrounding Therrien immediately to anchor the story more firmly around your subject.
Some sections could benefit from smoother transitions. For example, the shift from the Curry win to his back injury is abrupt; adding one to two sentences that bridge the emotional high to the personal setback would improve flow. Similarly, the transition from his injury to his coaching involvement can be strengthened by clarifying how his mindset shifted during that period.
A few quotes are long and could be trimmed or broken into smaller pieces to maintain pacing and readability. You may also want to vary sentence structure in sections with multiple short sentences to improve rhythm.
Greta: This profile does a great job capturing who Dawn is beyond just her role as a goalie. One of the strongest parts is how clearly the story walks us through her journey: starting field hockey almost by accident, becoming a standout player, and eventually returning as a coach. It feels personal and grounded, not just a list of accomplishments.
The quotes are used really well, too. Dawn’s personality comes through—her humor about trying goalkeeping, her honesty about the challenges of being the only freshman goalie, and her reflections on leadership. These moments help readers understand her not just as an athlete, but as a person.
The emotional sections are also handled with care. Talking about her mom’s passing adds depth without feeling overly dramatic; it shows her strength and how she channeled something incredibly painful into motivation. Including the teammate quote at the end was a great touch, because it reinforces Dawn’s impact on the people around her.
The profile is strong, but there are a few ways to make it flow even better. The opening is good, but you could sharpen it by focusing more quickly on Dawn herself rather than the broad summary of her accomplishments. Starting with a moment—a memory, a quote, or her joking about trying goalie—might pull readers in more immediately.
The interview section is informative, but it reads a little differently from the rest of the story. You might try blending some of Dawn’s responses into the narrative instead of keeping them in strict Q&A format. This would help the piece feel more unified.
Some transitions could be smoother, especially when moving from her recruitment to her first season. Adding a line or two connecting the emotional pieces would help the story feel more cohesive.
Also, consider expanding just slightly on her decision to coach. What moment made her realize she wanted to stay involved? Has she had a coaching moment that stood out to her? A bit more detail there would round out the ending.
Aidan Codagan (Anthony)
This profile has a really smooth flow and feels super readable from start to finish. You do a great job showing who Aidan is, not just what he’s done. The energy of the opening, the duck quacking, and the water spraying immediately gives the profile personality and makes him feel like an actual character instead of just another coach. The timeline of his career is also super clear, and the stats you include feel meaningful rather than overwhelming. What else works is how you tie his playing experience to his coaching philosophy. The quote about not wanting players to feel isolated after a bad rep is strong and adds real emotion. You clearly set the tone right of a sports profile, and you highlight both his accomplishments and his impact at UNE without overhyping anything.
One small area i would look at is adding just a little more description around Aidan’s personality beyond the fun intro. Maybe one or two lines about how players react to him, or how his style stands out among other coaches. Another thing you could consider is adding a bit more about his transition into coaching specifically at UNE. Right now, the shift into his coaching life is good, but giving a little more detail about what made him want to coach at UNE or how he got connected here could round out the profile. You could also sprinkle in one more anecdote or moment from practice to make it feel even more lived-in. Overall though, nothing major — a little more depth in a couple spots would level it up even more.
Max knight (jayden)
Your profile on Max is super personal and does a great job showing the human side of an athlete stepping away from the game. What really stands out is how well you connect his childhood struggles to the emotional role sports ended up playing for him. It feels honest and gives the reader a sense of how basketball fit into his life beyond just being a sport. His voice in the interview answers is also powerful, it feels like he’s talking to you, not being over-edited, which is refreshing. The structure is easy to follow, and the transitions from childhood,high school, college, decision to walk away feel natural. You also did good highlighting how his identity shifted through each phase.
The biggest thing you could improve is balancing the narrative voice with the Q&A sections. The interview answers are really solid, but the shift into Q&A format is a little abrupt. You could smooth the transition by adding a short line introducing why you moved into questions or what the conversation setting was like. Also, the early part of the story is strong, but you might add one or two more specific moments from his college experience, a practice, a game, or a moment when he realized he was burning out. Another small thing you could look at is tightening a couple sentences so they aren’t too long or repetitive. Nothing major though, the emotional clarity of the piece is already great, and with just a little more narrative detail, it’ll feel even stronger.
Emma Burke (cally)
This draft is super polished and honestly reads like a published magazine feature. You do an awesome job building a full picture of Emma with her background, her injuries, her mental health journey, and how all of that shaped her career path. The writing is smooth and descriptive without being over the top, and the opening scene in her office is a great hook. It immediately sets the tone and shows what makes her role important. The structure also works really well: the early life section blends naturally into her gymnastics career, and the transition into mental health and coaching feels super earned. You bring out her personality clearly, especially her calm, steady presence and her understanding of athletes’ emotional needs. The quotes add authenticity and make her feel well-rounded.
One suggestion is to trim or tighten a few sections that repeat similar ideas, for example, the theme of resilience and mental toughness comes up a few times, so you could condense a little there to keep the flow better. You might also want to add one more concrete example of a moment she helped an athlete, just to give readers a more vivid sense of her day-to-day impact. Another small thing is maybe shortening a couple of the longer paragraphs so the pacing feels lighter. Right now, some sections are pretty dense. But overall the voice, tone, and narrative direction are all super strong. These are really just polish-level tweaks, not major changes.
Evan – Peer Review
This profile of Mike Perez does several things well, putting together a cool and interesting story of a student-athlete overcoming adversity. First, the opening scene in the athletic training room immediately immerses the reader with sensory detail, setting the tone for a story anchored to resilience and preparation. The narrative structure is very effective, too, in clearly taking the reader through Perez’s series of injuries and the emotional and physical challenges that accompanied them. By framing his torn ACL and broken ulna as significant turning points, the profile creates natural tension and momentum to keep the reader invested.
Another strength is the strong use of quotes. Perez’s own words add credibility and allow his personality and mindset to come through, especially when talking about motivation, setbacks, and future goals. The quote from teammate George Villis provides a different perspective that reinforces Perez’s leadership and character. Additionally, the profile balances his athletic journey with his academic achievements, painting him as more than just a football player and adding depth to the story.
Finally, the conclusion wraps the story together in a nicely, as it shows where Perez stands today his consistency, leadership, and aspiration and it gives a complete forward-looking profile.
Oscar: This profile of veteran football coach Jerry Azzinaro is well-structured and demonstrates a strong understanding of feature storytelling. The story opens with a delayed lead that immediately situates Azzinaro at the height of his career through decades of coaching experience across New England, major NCAA programs, and the NFL, before circling back to his beginnings as an undersized linebacker driven by toughness and work ethic. The nut graph appears early and clearly defines the angle: this is a homecoming story about a coach whose philosophy and success are rooted in values of resilience and growth. The narrative builds Azzinaro’s character through background and context, and the inclusion of a quote from former Oregon star De’Anthony Thomas significantly strengthens the piece. Thomas’s reflections reinforce Azzinaro’s long-term impact and provide insight from someone directly shaped by his coaching. However, while this outside perspective is valuable, the story would benefit from hearing more directly from Azzinaro himself. Quotes from the subject could bring the reader closer to his personal voice, coaching philosophy, or reflections on returning to New England, making the piece feel more intimate and rounded. Structurally, the story is digestible, well-paragraphed, and maintains a consistent third-person journalistic voice without inserting the writer’s “I”, but paragraphs could be split to be more digestible. The theme is clear: a seasoned coach returning to where his football identity was formed. And the narrative supports that from start to finish. While the story successfully presents Azzinaro’s career and legacy, adding more direct quotes from the coach would give readers a stronger emotional connection and a fuller sense of who he is today.
Anthony: This feature on Aidan Cadogan is an engaging “new chapter” narrative that effectively traces the transition from standout college punter to specialist coach at UNE. The story hooks readers with an energetic delayed lead, opening not with stats or background but with Cadogan’s unconventional sideline coaching antics: quacking like a duck and spraying players with water. This creative introduction draws the reader in before the nut graph, which clarifies that Cadogan is now guiding young specialists using the lessons he wished he had earlier in his playing career. The story uses strong sourcing, bringing in Cadogan’s voice early and often. He speaks in detail about his coaching philosophy, the importance of supporting players after both good and bad kicks, and the mental demands of the position. Hearing from freshman kicker Massimo Puddu adds another perspective and reinforces the tangible impact Cadogan is having in his first season coaching. One aspect that the story touches on but could explore more deeply is Cadogan’s academic background. The piece briefly mentions that he pursued a master’s degree in civil engineering, a demanding and technical field, but does not connect how such a major led him to coaching. This gap left me curious: Why coaching? How do these two seemingly different paths fit together? Exploring this could add depth to Cadogan’s identity and decision-making. Structurally, the paragraphs are well separated, the narrative maintains a clean journalistic voice, and Cadogan gets some of the last meaningful reflections, grounding the story in his personal motivations. Overall, it is a strong and compelling profile with room for a deeper look at how coaching fits into Cadogan’s academic and professional trajectory.
Jayden: This profile of former college basketball player Max Knight is a compelling departure narrative that explores identity, burnout, and personal growth. The piece immediately situates the reader in the turning point of Knight’s journey: his decision to step away after a difficult freshman season. However, the opening sections present large blocks of text that could benefit from paragraph breaks earlier on. Separating the material into smaller sections would improve readability and make the emotional beats of Knight’s story more digestible from the start. Once the piece transitions into the Q&A format, the narrative becomes even more effective. The interview structure suits this story particularly well, allowing Knight to speak for himself at length about his childhood, struggles, emotional connection to basketball, and the eventual erosion of his passion. Thornton’s voice appears only briefly to note that the interview was “edited and condensed,” which is appropriate and expected in this style of reporting. That small editorial statement is necessary, transparent, and does not intrude on the subject’s voice. Knight’s quotes carry the story and give it emotional authenticity. He articulates how basketball once served as a coping mechanism for instability at home, and later became something he continued out of obligation rather than love. Because Thornton lets Knight narrate his own journey with minimal interruption, the reader gets a portrait that feels personal and honest. The subject has the final word, creating a natural and meaningful conclusion. Overall, the Q&A structure works well, and with minor formatting adjustments, the story would be even stronger.
Max:
What’s Working?
The intro is easy to follow and provides a lot of good background information right off the bat. The placement of the first quote from the subject is great and allows the reader to hear from him pretty early on. After this first quote, there are a lot of hefty ones that follow later in the profile and allow his subject to be the one telling most of the story. All the descriptive sentences set the quotes up well without overdoing it and repeating information.
The flow is overall very smooth and each paragraph is digestible. The subject is well-described and there are minimal “brush strokes” that could be picked up on. As a reader, it feels like I really got to know this subject even though I didn’t know who he was before. It is especially interesting to see the connection the subject has with the Maine Mariners, and really builds the story that this team helped him get to where he is.
Suggestions
The use of the subject’s first name so frequently seems just a little bit too casual, I would suggest referring to him as his last name instead. The last paragraph of the profile could use less explanation for the quote that’s included. The non-quoted section almost seems to repeat what the subject said in a different way. Although I wouldn’t get rid of the entire explanation, it could be less choppy if the quote speaks for itself more. The rest of the quotes have less explanation which makes them a little easier to read. When there is mention of his interviews with some of the Big D1 athletes, it could be interesting to provide some names of the people he interviewed. This could demonstrate the importance of his job if there are any recognizable athletes. Besides this, there really aren’t many other issues that are clear at the moment, besides some grammatical errors or lack of punctuation.
Khalil:
What’s Working?
Immediately I’m hooked on this story. The intro is well-constructed and the word choices are entertaining. There is a quote very early on that really sets the tone and creates the story that is being told about this subject. It’s clear that this is a feel-good story of pushing the boundaries and never giving up, and including so much of the subject’s early life helps emphasize this theme. All the quotes that were included definitely proved this theme. The subject discusses a lot about how he got to where he is and the effort he put in to get there which fits what the description paragraphs are trying to convey.
Overall, I feel like I really got to know the subject and what has driven him throughout his life. The entire story flows really well and includes all the necessary details that makes it entertaining, especially the word choices used throughout.
Suggestions
All the quotes already in the profile are very strong and useful, but there definitely could be more of them. It seems like the subject isn’t really getting a chance to tell the story himself. Though the description paragraphs are well put together, there should probably be a little less of those and a couple more quotes can explain things on their own. Also referring to the subject as his first name so frequently could be portrayed as too casual, it may be better to say his last name instead. Obviously his first name can still be used, but maybe not as often.
For formatting purposes, I would suggest making the quotes their own paragraphs. This will allow them to stand out and catch the reader’s attention. It gives the subject’s voice a chance to shine a little more instead of hiding among other paragraphs. Otherwise, there is very little that needs to be fixed.
Campbell:
What’s Working?
There’s definitely a lot of good information here. The questions that were asked allows readers to see multiple different sides of the subject. Between her home life, future plans, and experiences at UNE, we will have the opportunity to really learn who this subject is. Including the questions that were asked is a great way to feel like we were a part of the conversation. Also being able to see exactly how the subject responded really humanizes her, and makes her more relatable from the reader’s perspective.
The intro is also pretty solid and easy to follow. Sharing some of her accomplishments and tendencies builds the story of this subject as an athlete and sets up how the rest of the profile will go. It’s interesting to see how the subject is transitioning from college athlete to a potential cop, and this adds to the theme of her life as said athlete.
Suggestions:
I would definitely cut out a lot of the filler sentences that the subject provides. Adding the quotes that make an impact on the story is great, but there are a lot of sentences that seem a little unnecessary to keep. Similarly, putting the entire question that was asked, including words such as “like”, may take away from some of the professionalism. Writing the general question would be better than writing exactly what was said in the interview. I would also emphasize where in the response the subject is talking and when she is being asked follow up questions. It’s hard to tell what she is saying specifically because everything in the response is the same font and size.
Though this profile is set up to demonstrate the whole interview, it could definitely be worth adding a little more storytelling. This would help the flow and make the information a lot easier to follow.
Journal 11 – Peer Review
What’s working – Casey
I really like the first paragraph, it gives an interesting hook to make you want to read more. You also do a great job making sure the subject gets to speak early on (quote in third paragraph), and allow the subject to have the last word with a super powerful quote about watching players grow up. I also think the overall structure/layout is good (no indentation, not introducing quotes, not using the I voice). You do a great job capturing a story and making it more than just a sports profile- we get to learn the vulnerable side of your subject and that is what drives the story. Lastly, I like the way the story moves along and somewhat falls chronologically, it makes it easy to follow.
Suggestions – Casey
The suggestions I can think of are mostly minor. I think you might want to add a bit more meat to some of your paragraphs that are just one or two sentences (I assume you were going to since this is only a draft), but some are just a bit too short and could just use some more information. Additionally, I noticed a very minor spelling error inside a quote, you said “every wants to win” and I think you might have meant to say “everyone wants to win”, super minor but definitely makes a difference because the quote is super powerful. Lastly, although I love how much you let your subject speak and how many quotes you got, if it isn’t a question and response section I would avoid putting a quote after every paragraph if that makes sense.
What’s working – Zak
You do a really good job telling a story rather than just writing out an interview. I like how you made sure the subject got to speak very early on (third paragraph) and you include a good amount of quotes. I also like how the quotes are meaningful and have substance, it keeps the story interesting and really helps me get to know your subject. Additionally you do a good job keeping with reporting writing format (single spaces, no indentation, more). Lastly, I really enjoyed how conversational the writing is, it makes it feel like the reader is having the conversation.
Suggestions – Zak
I could only think of a couple minor suggestions: I think you do a really great job using the quotes you have included but several are embedded within paragraphs instead of standing alone– you might know more than me or this might be something to ask Jesse about, but I just wasn’t sure if it was structurally okay to embed quotes into paragraphs or if they absolutely have to be standing alone (im not sure!). Lastly, you might want to consider adding a quote or moving a quote to the end of your writing to let your subject have the last word.